I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
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