it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I checked into jail on foursquare
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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