Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize
