I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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