Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
