He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
