dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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