Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
