exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
