is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
