just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
