dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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