It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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