It's a beautiful day for a hangover
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
