onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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