My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
