For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
