If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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