The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
