I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how does that bad decision feel?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
