It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
