I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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