How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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