The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
