'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
