Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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