Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
