Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
