i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
