he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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