New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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