my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
