ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
