i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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