New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
