take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
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