You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
