We named our party play list daddy issues
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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