the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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