I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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