you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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