ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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