sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
