No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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