Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
