I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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