He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
