I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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