I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
