I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
My ass is underappreciated
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
